Who am I? How do you sort how you feel Vs. how someone makes you feel?

Who am I? How do you sort how you feel Vs. how someone makes you feel?

Who am I? How do you sort how you feel Vs. how someone makes you feel? 1000 1000 admin

“What is my issue? Where does all this come from? Is this really how I feel, or someone made me think I should feel? Then if you answer it all, what do you do with all that information? Me? Them? These are questions I ask myself on the daily. Let’s explore why and see if we can’t uncover some answers to my broken fucking shell of a person I am.

I have been questioning my being and existence for months if not over a year now. I feel like I have basically torn myself and all that I am down to the core, and then tried to build it back up without all the negative and wrong that was in it. I tried to break shit down to the core and see if it wasn’t something that could be changed or made better.

This has been life-altering I feel in many ways. Some great, some needing work, and some I wish never happened at all. Do you ever feel like you went through a part of your life where it felt like you were just on autopilot? You just skated through doing whatever got you to the next part? I am starting to think I have spent most of my relationship with Xander this way.

Have you ever spend months questioning everything you do or say for fear of the outcome? Have you ever asked yourself is it me? Am I really this bad? Why the fuck is he still around then? Why do you never feel like you are being heard, or what you say matters? Do you know how disheartening this makes one feel about themselves?

I feel like I am trapped in a relationship I can’t even be myself any longer. I can’t talk to him about any of it anymore. Between him always wanting to go in defense mode/feeling attacked, to the tone he comes at me with that makes me instantly no longer want to talk, to the way I feel like I talk in an endless loop of fucking circles because I never feel heard or as I keep drilling in, acknowledgment of how I feel, to feeling like if I tell him how I really feel or how he is, he will just shut down/revert and blame it on me. Then I go “”Am I the reason he shuts down/ moves backward?”” or is it just because that is how he copes with doing something that didn’t go the way he felt it did or should?

This is a constant battle in my head. I feel like I have gotten to the point of doing nothing for myself. Everything I do and say revolves around other’s decisions and I have no god damn backbone anymore. An empty shell of what I thought used to be a super-strong person. Then I broke and no one helped me pick the pieces back up they just all sat on the sidelines and watched in awe as I quickly fumbled around trying to pick up as many as my little chubby fingers could. I felt alone, not understood, and utterly crazy for feeling like I did.

Here is the thing about Xander, I feel he honestly has my best interest at heart. He loves me and I know he does that is not the thing I question. What I question/fear is, is it enough? I feel like I am not being understood, and maybe that is because I am not understood. That doesn’t make my feelings any less important or that they should be dismissed because he doesn’t understand them.

He often tells me that everything he does is with my interest at thought/heart. Basically, everything he does is for me. I would say that I honestly believe that wholeheartedly is how it used to be for most of our relationship. In part why I think we worked so well, he was selfless and I was selfish and we just made it work. He liked to make me happy and I liked being made happy. Somewhere in the last year and some change that shifted for him. He became tired of always giving and he wanted to better himself and try to achieve things that were stolen from him as a kid.

I get it I really do, people change, and with that change comes changes in others to accommodate that change. As you can not have an effect without a cause and vice versa. They kinda go hand and hand. I feel Xander and I have drastically changed over the last two years. That is not a bad thing by any means. Sometimes it is a lot to handle and seems like a never-ending cycle, but I wasn’t opposed to the idea.

It was when we started bumping heads and neither of us wanted to bend because we thought we were in the right or that it was owed to us that things went the wrong direction with a quickness! After that, it felt like it was an endless loop of me feeling not heard and him wanting to live this weird single version of himself. Something no matter my opinion usually resulted in him getting defensive and me clamming up. How does that fix anything you ask? It doesn’t and it becomes ugly and unresolved.

Well, Naudia then how do you fix it? If that isn’t the million-dollar question! I am at an impasse, I do not know how to move this forward other than for me to get over how I feel. How is that fair or right though? It isn’t and here I stand feeling like a tower of fucking nuts!

We have fought, argued, and bickered more in the last year then we have probably our whole relationship combined. That is saying something. We are moving in different directions on our views and goals that we are not just on different pages anymore, we are in whole different books!

Why is nothing changing? I thought we were getting somewhere. Where did we take a wrong turn? More questions I continually ask myself. Where is the happy medium? Why am I the only one that seems to be working towards this goal? When do I say enough is enough?

I am running out of ideas on what to do here. We are supposed to be on the same page, and if we are not, we are to work it out till we find a page we can agree to be on together. I do not feel this is happening at all on any level at the moment.

Such as this separate plaything. I have told him that I feel like it goes against everything we got in the lifestyle to do. He says he sees the enjoyment of doing things without my presence. That it brings a different level of excitement. So what do we have here? Two different pages correct? Yes.

I say I could see it being a thing from time to time, dependant on the situation. He says he would like this to happen one to four days a month, and that he doesn’t feel that is too much. Two different pages? Yep!!! So how does he feel this part of the equation should go? I’ll just sit back till you are ready. Are you kidding me?

This isn’t a case of just waiting for the slowest person in your group thing, this is a straight-up feeling of my part not even being validated. I honestly do not know what to do anymore. I feel backed in a corner with no power to do anything anymore.

How many times can one person tell you that they feel lonely, alone, utterly alone, a prisoner of her own home, etc before someone takes a hint and does something about it? Says something about it? I don’t know I am still waiting I’ll have to let you know when I find out. I have been telling him hardcore for the last month and in turn? He has worked the most amount of hours in I do not remember and talked to me the least. How is that for someone who is personally telling you how alone they feel then add their depression and bipolar that’s been at its lowest to the mix? I’m surprised he hasn’t come home to find me in worse conditions, to be honest.

I’ve thought about it. More recently than most of my life. I cut myself a few months ago. I haven’t done that in ruffly 12/13 years at least. To the point, I thought I was just past that level of hurt, anger, sadness. Guess not, cause I have had several thoughts since. I haven’t, I have been able to at least talk myself out of it, or you have what happened the other night.

We got in an argument about basically me waiting for a formal apology from him for my birthday and something else. It is never going to happen the way I want it to. Am I asking for too much? I really don’t think so. He does, however. So long story short when he pulled in the parking spot to get me pop, (yes, I know how sweet fighting and he is still trying to be nice to you.) There are other issues attached to this statement too. When he got out and went inside I lost it! Instantly I wanted to cut something or break something! So what did I do? This fucking crazy fucker started pounding the fuck out of his dash and 3 times a screamed as hard and loud as I could. Basically, till I couldn’t breathe anymore. I felt like I had just lost it! Legit, bring the straight jacket and tell the hospital I am on my way!

Instead what it ended up doing I think was expelled a lot of energy and I went straight to numb. Which I am ok with that is leaps and bounds better than the level of right above hell I have been. I was so close my feet are permanently burned red I think. It calmed the night and we basically dropped the conversation. Forever? I don’t know but for the time being. I’m apparently supposed to just be ok with that.

The level of frustration that I carry around on a day-to-day basis is nuts. How about this very moment while writing this I am dealing with something. Going, “”Am I in the right here?”” or is this just another one of those as he calls it “”Looking for something?””

Just shy of six hours ago we had a few word conversation. I was feeling some kind of way when I woke to him gone again and just a here is my day message to wake to. So I started my day bummed because once again I leave tomorrow to go to Florida for a week, I got to see him 2.5 days before I am gone for the rest of the week, and basically I feel like I could have left Monday and it would have felt about the same.

However, back to today. I told him I was hungry, he said, him too and that I should eat. So I order food, he sends a text message saying “”tag huh?”” Inferring to a shorthand version of the restaurant I ordered from. I tell him “”ya hoping it gets me out of my funk.”” “”No Funk””, he replies to me. I told him “”Already present””, “”tell em go away”” was his reply. So trying to keep it light I assumed. I didn’t reply. Now knowing me and my health conditions would you let me go 6 hours and counting without checking in on me? Least see how my day was going? I would like to think that you would. However, here the answer is nothing. Six hours and he has said nothing. I don’t know whether to be pissed or worried at him.

Oh, speak of the devil! Six hours it was apparently, and what did it say do you ask? “”Damn machine is teasing me…. it keeps jumping up and down with just a few min left.””

Wow, a girl is lost for words. I mean he has been working all day. I’m sure he didn’t text or talk to anyone all day. I know he was actively talking to people this morning. Am I crazy or wrong here? Wonderful and he sounds cheerful, and I am over here losing my shit. What am I supposed to do? He obviously doesn’t know a God damn thing is wrong. So if I come at him with how I feel he will put his tail between his legs and tell me how busy he was, and everything I have been feeling all day becomes null and void.

So far this has been my week.

  • Sunday- Xander slept most of the day away and then later when I tried to get some (sex) he was too high and couldn’t do it.
  • Monday- Xander stays home and says we will have an office day. He gets pissy about his progress, doesn’t talk at all, or talks about work. We go upstairs watch some tv. I play with myself with a toy while playing with him. Again he seems too high etc so I got myself off and told him he would have to be good tomorrow so we could have sex before I leave. Xander has a hard time falling asleep, jacks off, and then passes out. So you can jack off but….. ya.
  • Tuesday – Saw on the cams he did some work in the office this morning and by time woke he was gone. Has gone all day not talking to me and won’t be home till sometime after 9 pm
  • Wednesday – I have to leave by 2 pm to get to the airport with my daughter.

So it seems I am lonely and not getting any dick this week. That’s what I have concluded for this week. See though I am going to end up in the god damn looney bin because I can’t think, act, etc anything correctly.

Sorry, this rant was so incredibly long. I think I am going to wrap it up at this stopping point. So at end of the day, if any of this sounds like you or something you are going through, know you are not alone. I will be a crazy mother fucker right beside you. Don’t stop trying, but know when to walk away too. 

Until next time, don’t let people dull your shine! You are wonderful and worth feeling important too! See ya in the next one!”