Part #2, the verbal hiccup that never went away.

Part #2, the verbal hiccup that never went away.

Part #2, the verbal hiccup that never went away. 957 718 Naudia

When I told my mother that I felt she verbally abused me as a child, which was huge for me! she said “who me? The only thing wrong with your childhood was your sexuality!”

a lot of my self-esteem issues stem from this shit I am about to unfold for you. the amount of fucked up things that my mother has ever said to me far surpassed my ability to comprehend. I remember a lot of my childhood, however when it deals with me and my mom a lot of it gets kinda foggy. Kinda like my psyche blocked the memories to protect me. I have always had a horrible ability to remember things tbh. more specifically important details, important events, important dates.

I have not had a strong self-esteem since I can remember. if I had to try and think of a time I truly felt confident, I would say when I was around 5 years old. I remember being at some wedding, and I was out on the dance floor dancing my little heart out, thinking how much fun I was having! I then remember my mom calling me over to where she was sitting to tell me to stop dancing like that (Jumping up and down) that I knew how to dance better than that. I instantly felt bad for having a good time, for dancing, and for how I was dancing with one statement. 

I remember going back out to the dance floor and it was like someone took all my umph and fun out of it. I had an immediate feeling of doing it wrong or disappointing my mother. What little kid should have to deal with something like that? Apparently, I did.

My younger years so from like 6 to 11 were actually not riddled with bad memories of my mom. It had a lot of fucked up memories, and things go wrong in there but not all of them were in the verbal abuse category. Those years were where my abandonment issues come from. Which is again its own blog to read later.

From 7 and up I watched myself a lot, which made me grow up a lot faster than I most likely should have. The Verbal Abuse getting constant/started when I came to live with her when she moved to the duplex. Which was the last time before we moved in with my now, stepdad.

I remember it getting bad about the time I started getting sexually interested in boys. (Read My Boyfriends Used to come with backup plans.) To learn more about me and the guys in my life. She always made me feel not good about myself. I was very promiscuous as a teenager, and instead of trying to figure it out, she would just tell me low things about myself. 

  • I didn’t respect myself or my body
  • Why do you feel the need to just “Give it up” to whoever
  • do you even have standards
  • quit being a hoochie,Slut, or Whore
  • only sluts give bj’s (After reading in my diary about a BJ)
  • *MY FAV* If you are just going to give it to anyone for free, I might as well put you on the corner and make some money off of you!

Those above are just some of the things she would tell me on a semi-frequent basis. I remember When a guy would break up with me, I would be upset (What teen wouldn’t) My mom would come in my room to see why I was crying, she would ask “Why you crying” (Now say that in a George Lopez voice and add huh at the end) I would explain what happened, and why I was so upset. Her response would always be “Oh hell is that all? You don’t need these boys, there will be more. Now quit your crying it’s not that serious, you will move on!” Like it was no big deal, and what I was feeling wasn’t valid enough to merit “crying”, and quickly dismissed me and my feelings. Or she would make it seem like it was my fault that if I didn’t like boys this wouldn’t be an issue.

She would do my laundry and see my panties (which at the time had crusties because I had a yeast infection) She didn’t even consider that something was wrong with me, she just told me I was dirty and needed to wash down there better. Now to the kid who doesn’t know whats going on, now thinks it is her fault and went around being called the “Fish Girl” in school because my yeast infection also turned into a bacterial infection.

That I ended up having for months till my aunt saw my panties and instantly told my mom it looked like a yeast infection. THEN she got me medicine to take care of it, but by then the damage was already done. I thought all this was because I was not washing well enough, even though I knew I was doing it correctly, I had to be, how else do you clean it?!

I was but was determined I had to be wrong because my mother said so. So my body image was greatly damaged with that, along with some self-esteem and I would now be prone to both yeast infections and UTI’s because of how long I went having them for.

By the end of my teenage years, the result was a girl with no confidence, no self-esteem, no pride, no self-love, and a sense I was the reason everything was wrong in our lives. with no one to tell me I was wrong. cause she for sure wasn’t going to. What an awesome mother.

So until next time, remember kids hold on to more than you think, and tell your kid your are proud of them and mean it wholeheartedly. They will remember, and you don’t know when that mark becomes permanent.