NO ONE puts baby in the corner!!!

NO ONE puts baby in the corner!!!

NO ONE puts baby in the corner!!! 667 375 Naudia

Dirty Dancing is by far in my top 10 all-time favorite movies for sure. As I am sure a lot of girls are the same way. However, that line will forever be etched in my head, as I thought boy that must be what it is like to be in love! I was 6 or 7 when I thought this, so think just how impossible my standards were from a little kid and forward. I thought whoever loved me would stand up for me no matter the cost, and be the heartthrob that every girl wanted. Yes, I had these notions at that age, and you wonder why I am so fucked up. I should have thought all boys still had cooties, and I was thinking I was going to marry Patrick Swayze.

Anyways off-topic, which I do all the time. I swear it is ADD but I am still waiting on the doctors to come to the same conclusion. They are trying, seems I had other issues as well that needed more attention, ya know so I don’t off myself. NOW, that being said I do care about suicide, but I have to have humor to it. Life is too serious to tiptoe around a subject that shouldn’t just be shh’d. My great grandmother killed herself, so I am all too aware of the downfall it causes a family. I will talk about this more in another blog I am sure. I am trying to stay on task I promise.

Ok so Xander told me that he had to keep my conversation with him separate from everyone else, so it didn’t affect the rest of his day/mood. Also that because of all the shit I ask him in the morning he does not look forward to my messages. Now with no other backstory, how would you take that statement? I instantly started balling, and he looked at me sideways and puzzled…

Now that you know that I will tell you the backstory that leads to that statement. I have had a problem with mornings for as far back as at least 7 years old. See The Truck Driver, and Girl Scout Cookies.

Well Xander enjoys his time in the morning, no one is up and he gets time to do whatever he wants before the world wakes up, and his day begins for work. Whether it is chatting with someone crazy enough to be up at that hour, he is in a few tech groups on Discord so often chats with them. He could wanna put on some porn, respond to emails, and jack off before anyone wakes or calls for the day. Yes, he has told me he does this. So swear to God it’s the honest truth.

I never really cared what he did in the morning because I knew it was one of those few things he did in the morning. Not until we introduced chatting with members of the opposite sex. I have always been allowed to do this, or so I thought, however, he was also allowed but I knew I would not find someone to talk to as he is extremely shy and in 18 years I’ve only had to worry about one girl and most of that I am sure was my fucking fault.

Well, he gets up early and it just happened to be the first two females he talks to are also morning people. So naturally, he would start talking to them in the morning. I do not know why but this bugged the bejesus out of me. I’m lying I do know why at least in part. I did have to sit and think about this one, and I am sure that I do not know all of it either.

I explain it in greater detail in the blog Mornings Are My Achilles Heel In Life, Relationships, And All Other Aspects.

Short of it is, between being waterboarded as a kid, to waking up to Xander jacking off sexting our girlfriend at the time, while I slept next to him, I have not had many fond moments in the morning time. So to me, mornings are the opposite, I loath them like the COVID lol.

Also just now the voice in my head said “well duh its cause you don’t get “You” time.” I did until I had my mental breakdown and found out I am Bi-Polar. The meds I am on actually make me wanna go to bed at a decent hour so by the time Xander gets up to get ready to head to the office I am somewhat alert and can hear/wake to him getting ready.

I don’t know why but this instantly puts a panic in my chest, and once that happens I am doomed because my mind takes over and starts thinking whatever the fuck it’s little heart desires. No matter if I logically know the right answer or not, whatever I feel is going on might be and I need to play detective now. “Whatcha doing?” “Who you talking to?” “Are you playing with yourself?” That last one he doesn’t ever probably think that sometimes I ask that question that to see if he is in the mood.

I was kinda forced to get used to him the whole opposite sex, not on my terms. I wasn’t ready for all he currently has open to him. Now since this happened I have become a lot more comfortable with him and conversations, and I am trying to see mornings in his POV. In turn, I think he is trying to at least willing to entertain me. 

Now before I all logically came to this conclusion, I had to have yet another mental breakdown. I could not think about what he said without instantly bawling and borderline hyperventilating. The one time I had to get up and close myself off in the bathroom where I tried to breathe and calm myself, I failed. I punched the wall as hard as I could, instant dumbass moment, if you don’t already know I am a tattooer by trade and my hands are my tools.

However, that was enough and calmed me down enough to stop crying. Now I’m pissed and was like “what the fuck, who would say that? Fuck him and whatever high horse he thinks he is on!” From this point, I was able to completely calm myself, and I was fine shortly after that. I will try and have him write a POV for you. That way you can try and see what was going through his mind cause I do not get it.

Well till next time, be who you want to be and no one else, and I repeat, “NO ONE puts baby in the corner!”