What are those scars on your wrist?

What are those scars on your wrist?

What are those scars on your wrist? 1000 667 sfadmin

Have you ever felt like you were so angry, and yet felt nothing at the same time? I have, in fact, I felt like that was much of my late teens to early 20’s.

I do not remember my first time Cutting anymore, the first time I do remember I was sitting on my waterbed, crying my eyes out, ya know the snot coming out your nose and you can’t breathe you are crying so hard. Well, I remember thinking I wanted to feel any way other than the way I was at the current moment. I wanted the pain and hurt to just go away. As a teenager, your issues seem so huge at the time, and so everything was a big deal to me then.

I had a little old timer swiss army style pocket knife at the time. I do not remember where I got it from anymore. Anyways I remember pulling the blade across my skin, and the first swipe I like just made a dent in my arm from the blade. So I took it back over again this time harder and with more pressure than the first time, but not too hard as my end goal was not to kill myself.

After the 4th or 5th cut I made, I realized something, with every cut it was like I felt the pain drain away. By the time I was done, I had calmed myself back down and was able to at least stop crying and move past it. So basically I used cutting as a way to release my anger and pain. 

I remember one time I got caught doing something boy related, my mom, yelled, called me names, and grounded me. I stormed to my room, closed the door and started crying. Getting flustered and angrier with every tear that fell from my eyes. This may be where my disliking for crying came from, well at least one of them. To this current day, I HATE crying! I do it only a few times a year usually. Anyways I remember calling and telling my Aunt Kelsie, I didn’t want to tell her about my wrist but somehow it came out. She came and picked me up because I didn’t want to be at home with my mom anymore.

However for her to be able to come to get me she had to tell my mom so she would let me go. My mom yelled, called me stupid for doing such a thing, and more I don’t remember anymore. So instead of being concerned or trying to understand my point of view, she was just mad because Aunt Kelsie knew and that made her look bad to the family.

I continued cutting for a few more years, tried to cut it down, tried to find other outlets for my anger, and talked to counselors at the school, none of that did it for me. I got better at hiding it and better at covering my stories.

I actually remember the last time I cut myself. I was dancing at the time. I saw seeing this girl named Robin. This was the 2nd or 3rd time we had dated. Except for this time Xander, my husband and I were both going to date her, so like a trouple. We did not have a solid enough relationship at this time to make it work. We were young and dumb, and I was so very one-sided/ selfish that it never had the chance to work.

It was one morning he was to go to her house to have sex. I told him I was ok with it because I was supposed to as that was the end goal. However I was jealous as fuck, he would send between 10k to 18k messages a month mostly to her. She was one of the first messages when he woke and one of the last at night. There were other issues at the time but that is for another blog!

I woke up with him that morning. Which is a huge sign because I hate mornings with a passion. Read Mornings Are My Achilles Heel In Life, Relationships, And All Other Aspects.

I didn’t tell him no once again when I most definitely didn’t want him too. Under all of it, I think I wanted him to fuck up to some degree. Why? Because I am always the one fucking shit up in this department so I wanted him to feel what that was like. Part because at that time I was not sure we would be forever, and I never had a reason to leave, you can’t find fault in someone who does not do these kinda things. I was furious and hurt and panicked and anxiety-riddled.

I texted with him the way to the gas station, to get her a monster and win “pussy points”, then to her house. I told him I didn’t feel well about it. I told him I should have told him sooner. He basically told me it was too late because he was already in her driveway and she knew he was coming over for that reason. I think if I pushed super hard he would have not done it, but it was his first time fucking a girl without me with him. So single-mindedly his dick was talking and doing all the deciding. When he got off the phone I lost it, started hyperventilating, my chest was throbbing out of my chest, and I was frantically looking for something to calm me down. The thought crossed my mind, and BOOM it was done! By this time I had much better knife choices. I went and picked a serrated pocket knife I had. Went and sat in the living room and put about 2 dozen or so new cuts on my wrist, blood was running down my arm, I sat there waiting for my phone to go off to tell me he was done, staring at my now throbbing arm.

He did sleep with her that morning, he was back to the house about an hour later. He was coming home to get things for jobs he had that day, and to turn around and start his workday. I was in our bedroom when he came home. I showed him, I’m sure killing whatever high he was on. He said he was sorry, asked me if I would drive with him for the day, that way I wasn’t left home by myself alone and in pain with sharp weapons around. It made me think he saw it as serious, and that I was important and he was concerned about me.

Sure never felt like it that day. He spent most of the time texting her, trying to get her to go out with us that night. I was so incredibly low that day. I couldn’t believe how nonconcerned he seemed about everything.

That was the last time I cut myself. I hated how people looked at me like a was just some sad pycho. Also, the reasons I did it seemed to not have the same effect anymore.

Do I ever think about doing it nowadays? I would be lying if I said no. It comes and goes with the stress and things going on in my life. Overall though I realized it did not have the positive outcome I was looking for, so I stopped and have tried to not look back.

Have you or someone you know ever cut themselves? Feel Free to share your story in the comments!