Late Night Pot Epiphanies

Late Night Pot Epiphanies

Late Night Pot Epiphanies 1000 596 Naudia

Okay, so I vape pot. I do it at night for my sleep and because it makes me horny lol. I started about a year and a  half ago when Xander and I went to Vegas to get married. We enjoyed it enough to start doing it when we got home.

So I vape at night, maybe have sex, maybe work on tattoo designs, or maybe I play mindless games and I space out and think about things. Sometimes they are stupid nothing thoughts, and some nights they are life-altering. Such as what I discovered this night.

I had been wondering where my need for validation of men came from. Why I needed constant men in my life, etc. 

Then it HIT me like a ton of bricks I didn’t know was coming. I was abused as a kid by my mom’s Fiance/ man I thought was my dad originally. The statement/ thought process was this.

hmm, why do I always have this crazy need to please people? hmm, I don’t know I used to get my ass beat by Tim for not doing as he asked me. he would ask me to go in the yard and pick up I don’t know the grass clippings. something as a child I am sure I hated doing. If it was not done in the time given he would beat my butt. My bare ass. Would make me walk to him to get the whooping. Then make me bend myself over his knee and receive my whooping. So I remember always wanting to please him… Wait a minute…. is this where my need to please men came from? A place of fear, respect, and only being a 7-year-old kid. “Oh SNAP!!! What did I just discover?” I thought to myself.

I used to look up/ had a huge need to please Tim. I wanted him to want to take me fishing, there is even a pic I made for him depicting that exact thing. It is kinda adorable. Back to the topic at hand. I just wanted him to want to do things with me as we did on the weekends when my mother had to work.  

I thought we had fun as a kid. Little did I know the everlasting damage it would do. I remember he liked golf like a lot. We would drive passed the golf course and he would make me yell out the window as loud as I could “FOURRRRR” and he would laugh and I thought it was a good thing to yell because of what he told me.

One time we were driving and it had just down poured, I mean like down poured! Puddles everywhere from the sewers being flooded and overpouring out. Ahead this kid was walking on the sidewalk. YES, what you think is about to happen, is.

He floored it and swerved over and made one of those huge splashes you see on the commercials for tires. A huge wave of dirty rainwater drenched the fuck out of that kid. He laughed and kept on driving.

However, I know he loved me. He is the reason I love tiger eyes ( The Gemstones) He is a jeweler by trade, and so I learned some about stones and metals at a younger age. I love gemstones I used to search in the driveway for cool rocks and I would show them to him. He would tell me it was another rock and to put it back lol.

I have a lot of good memories of him, but there was always a level of fear and cowardness I feel when I am around him. He makes me nervous and on edge whenever I would see him. He was always so stern, so serious, so matter of factly.

I have a lot more to learn and break down but these are some of my late-night epiphanies.

Till next time be happy, or at least try for meh, and remember you are worth it, and you matter, EVERYDAY. ttynt.